Math has never been my best subject. I've known that ever since I struggled with comprehending one-digit addition and subtraction back in 1st Grade. More recently, being in Algebra II has brought my math learning career to an all-new low. I'm really meant to write, not to do long division or solve for x.
I rest assured that no one will stop and quiz me on my times tables, but I want to improve my math skills. I bought Brain Age yesterday. According to the (maybe) reliable and scientifically-proven research presented in the instruction booklet, the folks who developed the game made the groundbreaking connection between doing mental exercises and improving brain health. It's nothing new, but it still was a challenge. The game stampeded me with simple math problems, but made them much harder because the goal was to solve them as quickly as possible.
Playing Brain Age made me think about the dark side of calculators. They are convenient, but are they bad for someone in the long run? Even though they are useful in higher level math, does that make them good for you? Playing Brain Age reminded me of how difficult calculator-free elementary school math was (and, apparently, still is) for me. The fact that I couldn't easily and quickly solve those problems made me feel pathetic. I hope that doing the exercises will help me improve, along with continuing to solve puzzles. It will probably make my math skills better...but since machines that do the work for me are so common, does this really even matter? Will people eventually stop learning mental math?
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Monday, August 23, 2010
Hitchcockian
One of my favorite hobbies is watching movies. I prefer older movie to newer ones (The Last Airbender didn't give me any confidence), particularly Hitchcock films. He was extremely talented as a director. I own almost all of his films, both good and bad. Since he directed so many great films, it's hard to believe he could have made a bad one. Even so, many "bad" Hitchcock films are better than the "good" films made by most other directors.
Born in 1899, Alfred Hitchcock began his film career in the silent era, designing title cards for German and French films. In England, he directed a few silent films, and then several talkies in the 1930's. He moved to America in 1940 to direct an adaptation of Rebecca (which won Best Picture for that year), meanwhile his popularity continued to grow. He directed many of his best films during the '50s. Hitchcock's career peaked with the success of Psycho in 1960, and afterward most believe the quality of his films gradually declined. Personally, I think his 1964 film, Marnie, was his last great movie. His final film was released in 1976, and he later died in 1980 of kidney failure.
Hitchcock always liked visual storytelling. Very few of his films are dialogue-driven. He was ahead of his time in that he liked to draw storyboards as a method of planning beforehand. The thought behind it was that it left very little room for editors to tinker with things later. He also hated location shooting because of the expense and extra work involved, and tended to use rear projection instead. Unfortunately, Hitchcock's preferred shooting technique became very obvious in his later films.
It is difficult for me to choose a favorite Hitchcock film because I love so many of them. It's too bad many films today are not made like they were by Hitchcock. I included the trailer for Psycho with this blog. I think it's very funny! Again, thanks to whoever provided the video.
Born in 1899, Alfred Hitchcock began his film career in the silent era, designing title cards for German and French films. In England, he directed a few silent films, and then several talkies in the 1930's. He moved to America in 1940 to direct an adaptation of Rebecca (which won Best Picture for that year), meanwhile his popularity continued to grow. He directed many of his best films during the '50s. Hitchcock's career peaked with the success of Psycho in 1960, and afterward most believe the quality of his films gradually declined. Personally, I think his 1964 film, Marnie, was his last great movie. His final film was released in 1976, and he later died in 1980 of kidney failure.
Hitchcock always liked visual storytelling. Very few of his films are dialogue-driven. He was ahead of his time in that he liked to draw storyboards as a method of planning beforehand. The thought behind it was that it left very little room for editors to tinker with things later. He also hated location shooting because of the expense and extra work involved, and tended to use rear projection instead. Unfortunately, Hitchcock's preferred shooting technique became very obvious in his later films.
It is difficult for me to choose a favorite Hitchcock film because I love so many of them. It's too bad many films today are not made like they were by Hitchcock. I included the trailer for Psycho with this blog. I think it's very funny! Again, thanks to whoever provided the video.
Friday, August 20, 2010
More Than Half
I am turning over a new leaf. I want to do my best to maintain an upbeat attitude toward my disorder. Hopefully, this will be the last blog I write that relates to it. Can I commit to that? Again, I'm trying to be positive.
Right now, I am still figuring out where I stand when it comes to my Cerebral Palsy. Literally half of me has it, the other half doesn't. Up until very recently, I wanted to feel what it's like to be completely normal. Since only half of my body is affected, I already "half know" what that is like. That's the best I will get. I have openly admitted I have it, and it is luckily a very mild case. But it won't change, so why dwell on it anymore? That is something much easier said than done, so I often have to remind myself of that fact to keep from being jealous and resentful. I'm far from perfect, but I try...
No one wants Cerebral Palsy. Honestly, who would? I think if everyone was given a choice, CP would not exist. I'm proud of the fact that very few people knew I had CP before I told them, and the only people who did were the ones who knew exactly what to look for. I believe that the fact that I have such a mild case is a sign that God has a plan for me. So, I want to take advantage of this opportunity that I have. I am determined to be able to do everything a normal person can. That's why I am committed to working out. It challenges CP's effect on me.
Given that this is the last time I plan to talk in this blog about Cerebral Palsy, I must take this opportunity to get everything off my mind. So, I am giving the CP volunteer organization-that-must-not-be-named an opportunity to know what I think about them. Back when I was interested in helping with the group, I got a sheet of paper with my application which listed the not politically correct ways of referring to people with Cerebral Palsy. At the top of the page, it said that the ___________ Cerebral Palsy did not want to degrade the people they help. They then began a long list of "no-no" words, including the word VICTIM. I don't understand what the organization was trying to say. Isn't that indirectly acknowledging that the people with CP are still victims if it still matters to them whether or not that word is used? Besides, if normal people did not think people with CP were victims, I don't think there would be a volunteer group to help people with the disorder in the first place. I know the organization means to help people with CP, but they were contradicting themselves. On top of that, because I have the disorder, I won't be told how to talk about myself by other people who might not even have CP. Like with my CP Facebook group, I think awareness of the disorder and the way it affects people is important, but how someone can talk should be common sense, instead of being enforced by an organization like ___________ Cerebral Palsy. That was ultimately why I chose not to help them.
I feel like I have said all I need to say. Having this as my last blog about my Cerebral Palsy is a major step in the right direction. I'm going to keep consistently working out and fight through that annoyance that is my CP. I love the satisfaction of being able to show my disorder who's boss during my workouts, and along the way making the progress that I want. It will never hold me back again.
Right now, I am still figuring out where I stand when it comes to my Cerebral Palsy. Literally half of me has it, the other half doesn't. Up until very recently, I wanted to feel what it's like to be completely normal. Since only half of my body is affected, I already "half know" what that is like. That's the best I will get. I have openly admitted I have it, and it is luckily a very mild case. But it won't change, so why dwell on it anymore? That is something much easier said than done, so I often have to remind myself of that fact to keep from being jealous and resentful. I'm far from perfect, but I try...
No one wants Cerebral Palsy. Honestly, who would? I think if everyone was given a choice, CP would not exist. I'm proud of the fact that very few people knew I had CP before I told them, and the only people who did were the ones who knew exactly what to look for. I believe that the fact that I have such a mild case is a sign that God has a plan for me. So, I want to take advantage of this opportunity that I have. I am determined to be able to do everything a normal person can. That's why I am committed to working out. It challenges CP's effect on me.
Given that this is the last time I plan to talk in this blog about Cerebral Palsy, I must take this opportunity to get everything off my mind. So, I am giving the CP volunteer organization-that-must-not-be-named an opportunity to know what I think about them. Back when I was interested in helping with the group, I got a sheet of paper with my application which listed the not politically correct ways of referring to people with Cerebral Palsy. At the top of the page, it said that the ___________ Cerebral Palsy did not want to degrade the people they help. They then began a long list of "no-no" words, including the word VICTIM. I don't understand what the organization was trying to say. Isn't that indirectly acknowledging that the people with CP are still victims if it still matters to them whether or not that word is used? Besides, if normal people did not think people with CP were victims, I don't think there would be a volunteer group to help people with the disorder in the first place. I know the organization means to help people with CP, but they were contradicting themselves. On top of that, because I have the disorder, I won't be told how to talk about myself by other people who might not even have CP. Like with my CP Facebook group, I think awareness of the disorder and the way it affects people is important, but how someone can talk should be common sense, instead of being enforced by an organization like ___________ Cerebral Palsy. That was ultimately why I chose not to help them.
I feel like I have said all I need to say. Having this as my last blog about my Cerebral Palsy is a major step in the right direction. I'm going to keep consistently working out and fight through that annoyance that is my CP. I love the satisfaction of being able to show my disorder who's boss during my workouts, and along the way making the progress that I want. It will never hold me back again.
Monday, August 16, 2010
Creativity
I love blogging. Not just blogging, really, but writing in general. Writing is a method of relaxation for me. Even if I don't have something meaningful to say, I can at least use writing as an outlet for my thoughts. Having them written down helps me reflect on them later.
I learned to write from reading books, a ton of books. Honestly, all reading did was teach me what different combinations of words sound good together. Even though I can write pretty well, I am not always the most creative person. It's hard, but I feel like I should cut back on this love affair I have with adjectives, it kind of covers up for not having enough originality. I want to improve.
I have plenty of quirks when it comes to how I go about writing. The times when I am typing away at my keyboard are probably when I become the most antisocial. I prefer to be left alone, and am annoyed when people look over my shoulder at what I am doing before I've finished. I want my work to be as good as I can make it before I publish. In fact, some of my blogs have been totally rewritten in the editing stage or have ended on the cutting room floor.
Sometimes I listen to music while I work on my blog. It bothers me to have anything that I find distracting in the background, so turning on a loud TV nearby is the worst! Anyway, the only music I can have playing during my writing time is quiet piano. George Winston's album, December, is my favorite. That music is always helpful when I have to relax, because when I am not as stressed, my writing is much better. I feel like it can give me the creative edge that I need.
Here is a George Winston song that I heard recently and really enjoy. I know it's long but I think it is well worth listening to. Thanks and good job to whoever made this video, it was not me.
I learned to write from reading books, a ton of books. Honestly, all reading did was teach me what different combinations of words sound good together. Even though I can write pretty well, I am not always the most creative person. It's hard, but I feel like I should cut back on this love affair I have with adjectives, it kind of covers up for not having enough originality. I want to improve.
I have plenty of quirks when it comes to how I go about writing. The times when I am typing away at my keyboard are probably when I become the most antisocial. I prefer to be left alone, and am annoyed when people look over my shoulder at what I am doing before I've finished. I want my work to be as good as I can make it before I publish. In fact, some of my blogs have been totally rewritten in the editing stage or have ended on the cutting room floor.
Sometimes I listen to music while I work on my blog. It bothers me to have anything that I find distracting in the background, so turning on a loud TV nearby is the worst! Anyway, the only music I can have playing during my writing time is quiet piano. George Winston's album, December, is my favorite. That music is always helpful when I have to relax, because when I am not as stressed, my writing is much better. I feel like it can give me the creative edge that I need.
Here is a George Winston song that I heard recently and really enjoy. I know it's long but I think it is well worth listening to. Thanks and good job to whoever made this video, it was not me.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Acceptance
Acceptance is a very difficult concept for me to grasp. The problem is that I have trouble letting go of the past. I struggle with forgiving other people, forgiving myself, and moving on when I feel that either I made a serious mistake or was unfairly treated. Sometimes my attitude can be justified, but more often I tend to use it as an excuse to be angry at others. My grudges are hurtful to those people that are close to and care about me. To those people, know that I'm sorry and am trying to get better (hence this blog). What's done is done. That phrase should be burned into my brain.
Of course, this applies to how I feel about why I have Cerebral Palsy. I think anyone familiar with my previous entries could have seen this coming for miles. What can I say? In the past few months, calling me obsessed with finding a reason for my CP is major understatement. Since there is no chance of losing it, I can't help but want to know why I have my disorder. Even with thorough research, I have not come any closer to answering that question. The trail went cold 17 years back. Besides, if I understood the truth of the matter, it would likely cause more pain than it's worth to know. Maybe that's why it was left unexplained. This is the only conclusion: what's done is done. It's not definitive nor is it satisfying, but it is the conclusion. I just have to make peace with the fact that I have CP and move on.
True, what happened to me in the past was unfair, but I should feel very lucky to have a bright future.
Of course, this applies to how I feel about why I have Cerebral Palsy. I think anyone familiar with my previous entries could have seen this coming for miles. What can I say? In the past few months, calling me obsessed with finding a reason for my CP is major understatement. Since there is no chance of losing it, I can't help but want to know why I have my disorder. Even with thorough research, I have not come any closer to answering that question. The trail went cold 17 years back. Besides, if I understood the truth of the matter, it would likely cause more pain than it's worth to know. Maybe that's why it was left unexplained. This is the only conclusion: what's done is done. It's not definitive nor is it satisfying, but it is the conclusion. I just have to make peace with the fact that I have CP and move on.
True, what happened to me in the past was unfair, but I should feel very lucky to have a bright future.
Saturday, August 7, 2010
EEGs and Other Tortures
I have epilepsy, a side-effect of my Cerebral Palsy. I went to my neurologist a few weeks ago and we were all happy to know that I have not had a seizure for over 4 years now. This is probably because I take medication to prevent them. From a first-person perspective, seizures are awful, nightmarish experiences. Since I haven't had one in a while, the neurologist arranged for me to have an EEG this coming Monday in to help us consider if I still need to take my medicine.
Having an EEG is only slightly less horrific than having a seizure. At least for me, the purpose of the test is to study the brain under certain conditions to determine if I still has epilepsy, but the only way this can be done is by attempting to provoke a seizure. Here are the steps that I remember the doctors took from my previous EEG:
1.) Apply a sticky gel with a rough texture all over my head.
2.) Attach sensors to my head to map brain activity.
3.) Turn off the lights and lie face up on a bed with a strobe light positioned six inches above my face.
4.) While keeping my eyes closed, the strobe light is turned on and left on for long intervals with short breaks in between. The light is bright enough to be seen clearly even with my eyes closed.
5.) Turn off the strobe light, then try to sleep for 30 to 45 minutes.
Since I only have seizures when I am asleep, I think the purpose of the nap afterward is to test if the strobe's effect could cause a seizure, although I am not sure. I am skeptical that it would because I've had several seizures before and never once have they been due to strobe lighting.
I'm dreading the EEG, but putting it into perspective helps, it could be worse. After all, it is slightly better than having more seizures. I guess that's something...
Having an EEG is only slightly less horrific than having a seizure. At least for me, the purpose of the test is to study the brain under certain conditions to determine if I still has epilepsy, but the only way this can be done is by attempting to provoke a seizure. Here are the steps that I remember the doctors took from my previous EEG:
1.) Apply a sticky gel with a rough texture all over my head.
2.) Attach sensors to my head to map brain activity.
3.) Turn off the lights and lie face up on a bed with a strobe light positioned six inches above my face.
4.) While keeping my eyes closed, the strobe light is turned on and left on for long intervals with short breaks in between. The light is bright enough to be seen clearly even with my eyes closed.
5.) Turn off the strobe light, then try to sleep for 30 to 45 minutes.
Since I only have seizures when I am asleep, I think the purpose of the nap afterward is to test if the strobe's effect could cause a seizure, although I am not sure. I am skeptical that it would because I've had several seizures before and never once have they been due to strobe lighting.
I'm dreading the EEG, but putting it into perspective helps, it could be worse. After all, it is slightly better than having more seizures. I guess that's something...
Thursday, August 5, 2010
My Last August
I cannot believe I'm saying this, but I am actually looking forward to going back to school. This has happened to me every year since the 7th Grade. At the end of one school year I am so excited about the summer break, but by the time August rolls around, I'm ready to start school again. The only thing that is different this year is that it's the last time...kind of.
I have my quirks. I'll be the first to admit it, and the people who know me well would probably agree. One of my idiosyncrasies is that I love routines. It comforts me to know that if something is one way today, it will be the same tomorrow. This goes hand-in-hand with my stubborn opposition to change, that is, any change that I didn't fully support or have some say in. I see almost any unexpected and/or unhappy surprise through this lens. I'm a control freak if there ever was one. It's a really selfish way to live, and I have it near the top of my list of personal flaws that need to be fixed. That's very easy to say, but following through is the hard part.
The weird part is that once the change happens, I get used to it and everything is okay again. There are exceptions, of course, but otherwise this tends to be the truth. Is it just me, or is this just human?
Anyway, routines are my thing. I know I'm contradicting myself, but, to be honest, I am anxious to get through the next 36 weeks of routines as quickly as possible because of what is happening after Graduation. I'm happy that instead of a graduation party, my immediate family is planning to go on a beach vacation to the Outer Banks in North Carolina instead. Although most of the details are not set in stone (we have a house and time frame for it in mind, but house rental prices for Summer 2011 aren't announced until November), my family is serious about making this trip our vacation next year. I would be lying if I said I wasn't really excited about it even now. This is a BIG deal for me and I can't wait until next summer.
I have my quirks. I'll be the first to admit it, and the people who know me well would probably agree. One of my idiosyncrasies is that I love routines. It comforts me to know that if something is one way today, it will be the same tomorrow. This goes hand-in-hand with my stubborn opposition to change, that is, any change that I didn't fully support or have some say in. I see almost any unexpected and/or unhappy surprise through this lens. I'm a control freak if there ever was one. It's a really selfish way to live, and I have it near the top of my list of personal flaws that need to be fixed. That's very easy to say, but following through is the hard part.
The weird part is that once the change happens, I get used to it and everything is okay again. There are exceptions, of course, but otherwise this tends to be the truth. Is it just me, or is this just human?
Anyway, routines are my thing. I know I'm contradicting myself, but, to be honest, I am anxious to get through the next 36 weeks of routines as quickly as possible because of what is happening after Graduation. I'm happy that instead of a graduation party, my immediate family is planning to go on a beach vacation to the Outer Banks in North Carolina instead. Although most of the details are not set in stone (we have a house and time frame for it in mind, but house rental prices for Summer 2011 aren't announced until November), my family is serious about making this trip our vacation next year. I would be lying if I said I wasn't really excited about it even now. This is a BIG deal for me and I can't wait until next summer.
Monday, August 2, 2010
Puzzled
I'm very excited. For the past year or so, I have felt inspired to make my brain healthier. What I mean by this is that, although my brain is for the most part in perfectly good shape, my goal is to strengthen and maybe even repair the mind/body connection in the areas that were damaged by my stroke. I am achieving this through working out. I have made progress, but haven't reached my goal and I'm not satisfied yet. Or maybe I should keep disciplining myself and stay committed, but not set an end goal. That way, there is always motivation to keep working out, feeling great about what I have achieved, but always leaving room to improve.
Anyway, I have suddenly taken an interest in doing puzzles. It had previously been only a passing hobby for me, but now I want to make it a habit. Why only improve my brain as it relates to my Cerebral Palsy, instead of striving for better overall health? To be honest, though, I am absolutely puzzled by my new desire to work on brainteasers. I lack the patience required to solve the ones with less than obvious solutions. This could be a useful exercise for me. Last week, I rediscovered a book of puzzles my sister bought me last Christmas. It has a wide variety of puzzles to work on other than the typical crosswords and sudoku. Thankfully, they are not all math or logic-based, so even a person like me whose brain is wired for English classes can find something I like. That said, the same principle to improve with working out applies here: if I don't do some things that really challenge me, I cannot hope to get better. Plus, I'll openly admit that nothing compares to the pure satisfaction and smug pride that comes after achieving something I previously thought to be impossible, whether it relates to solving puzzles, beating my CP, or any other seemingly difficult task.
My problem now is coming up with some patience. That may be my most difficult puzzle ever!
Anyway, I have suddenly taken an interest in doing puzzles. It had previously been only a passing hobby for me, but now I want to make it a habit. Why only improve my brain as it relates to my Cerebral Palsy, instead of striving for better overall health? To be honest, though, I am absolutely puzzled by my new desire to work on brainteasers. I lack the patience required to solve the ones with less than obvious solutions. This could be a useful exercise for me. Last week, I rediscovered a book of puzzles my sister bought me last Christmas. It has a wide variety of puzzles to work on other than the typical crosswords and sudoku. Thankfully, they are not all math or logic-based, so even a person like me whose brain is wired for English classes can find something I like. That said, the same principle to improve with working out applies here: if I don't do some things that really challenge me, I cannot hope to get better. Plus, I'll openly admit that nothing compares to the pure satisfaction and smug pride that comes after achieving something I previously thought to be impossible, whether it relates to solving puzzles, beating my CP, or any other seemingly difficult task.
My problem now is coming up with some patience. That may be my most difficult puzzle ever!
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